I lost one such friend, Marcia, to one cold January day. She was just 25 years old. Diagnosed the previous April, she went through surgery, chemo & radiation. Declared cancer-free at her three-month check-up, we celebrated by heading to Disney World. But in September the pain returned. Another surgery & round of chemo left her unable to eat, & I watched helplessly as she wasted away before my eyes. The last time I saw her — two days before she died — her spirits were still spunky despite staring Death straight in the eye. I, however, was a different story. Unable to reconcile someone so young dying, I refused to believe she wouldn't pull through — she was my best friend, & we were always supposed to be there for each other. I viewed her death — nine months after diagnosis — as nothing short of desertion.

Now, years later, my dear friend Tina was dying, victim of the same insidious killer. She went back into the hospital after her kidneys shut down & the cancer was found to have spread. Where three months ago she was declared to be in remission, the insidious intruder had invaded her stomach, lungs, liver & brain. They couldn't operate or offer chemo or radiation. Our friend Leanna said she also has had pneumonia — a sign, she told me, that Tina's body was shutting down.

Back in October — after her cancer, Stage IV ovarian, was first discovered—it never crossed anyone's mind that she might not make it. Strong, willful, full-of-life Tina would never allow it. She rebounded after surgery looking slender, radiant & in the best of spirits — a joy & relief because we hadn't seen her smile in many months. In hindsight, however, her lack of smile & dry humor was due to the pain she was in, though she never let on. Tina was someone who never complained until she couldn't tolerate something even a second longer.

She went through chemo. In March, when it was over, she had a full-body cat scan & was declared cancer-free. We planned a big party to celebrate but she held off, saying she wanted to wait until she was better. She did return to work, but was unable to last more than a couple of hours a day. We attributed it to having been through such physical trauma & needing to get her strength back. But she never did.

Still, we were hopeful & never knew, until two weeks, that she was going to leave us soon — never knowing, at the time of her October surgery, that she had been given eighteen months to live. Almost the same death sentence Marcia had received except Tina kept it to herself, putting a brave face forward to alleviate everyone else's worry & suffering.

Even when it became obvious that Tina's opponent was prevailing, no one was prepared for the outcome. I don't think we're ever really ready, no matter the amount of time one does or doesn't have to get used to the idea of a loved one leaving them, because it isn't the way it's supposed to end. For me, at least, that this beautiful, vibrant, very alive 49 year old woman who had so much to give, so much left to do, would actually die was incomprehensible. Hers was always the voice of calm in the midst of chaos; she was the bedrock of her family, as well as for those blessed with her friendship. Our divergent backgrounds should not have lent themselves to bonding, yet not one secret was kept from the other. Our friendship was unconditional.

Thus, I won't say 'goodbye' — rather, simply, 'I'll be seeing you, girlfriend'...

Archives

06.25.2006 — My best friend...
06.16.2006 — Her 50 is the new 30?!?...
06.09.2006 — Laughing my ass off...
05.31.2006 — The quarterback, the linebacker...& me....
05.10.2006 — A sad day in Houma...
04.21.2006 — Two loves...
03.15.2006 — Farewell, dear Maxie...
12.31.2005 — Adios & farewell, '05...
06.26.2005 — He had me from 'hello'...
05.30.2005 — New York City Grrls...
05.18.2005 — The blog that started it all...
Love's Illusions — poetic musings from the past...